Starting Over

I’ve experienced many highs and lows, many ups and downs in the past year. I’ve accepted that these highs and lows are all part of the healing process. Now, however, I find myself becoming weary of these fluctuations. I feel myself growing more and more impatient to finally get to a point where I’m at peace with myself and my life. I’ve suggested to my boyfriend in the past that in order to get past the ups and downs within our own relationship, we should try wiping the slate clean and starting over. The more I think of that idea, the more I realize that it won’t work to start over in any part of my life unless I am completely willing to allow myself to do so.

I realize that I am the only person holding myself back from starting over, from beginning a new life. In order to start over, I must forgive myself genuinely and wholly for every mistake I’ve made. I must release myself from the life I was born into. My experiences do not define who I am. I am not dirty simply because someone with a filthy soul forced themselves onto me. Their transgressions do not transfer into me. I am not imbalanced simply because I grew up in an imbalanced environment. I am not unwanted simply because those I loved abandoned me. I do not deserve to be hit simply because someone else felt that I did, in fact, deserve it. I’ve blamed myself for much of what people have done to me. Now is the time to forgive myself. Now is the time to place blame where is it rightly deserved.

My life is waiting for me. I’m tired of wasting time blaming myself for my past, rather than planning a successful future. I’m an adult now and in control of my own life. It is now my responsibility to treat myself with care and to build a healthy environment for myself, regardless of if I had one growing up. It is my responsibility to shut out those unhealthy, abusive influences and to welcome those I can trust.

I refuse to live in self doubt and self pity. After grieving traumas fully, one must make that last step into starting over and building a healthy, complete life. Those who are not able to move on from their grieving may become stuck in the past. They may even feel too sorry for themselves to move on. I’ve known people like this. I refuse to become stuck in the past. Why would I want to mentally dwell in such a dark place? I’ve worked at grieving enough to overcome the past. Now, I feel that I am ready and more than willing to start over.


There is an adage, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” Corny? Perhaps. I do, however, find this saying particularly appropriate for any recovering trauma survivor. Give yourself the permission to start over. Give yourself the ability to let go of the past. You can’t forget it (nor should you dismiss the lessons you’ve learned from it) but you can release yourself from its destructive grasp.

When to give up on love

Yesterday I awoke after getting about two hours of sleep the night before. I awoke knowing that this would be the day I would find out if Matt Bryant had been released from prison. I had already called the Victim’s Services line once that morning, on the off chance that their office was already open. I got to work and sat at my desk, staring ahead of me. I called the office again. The representative told me the decision had not downloaded into their system yet. She would call me when it does, she said. I began typing, my hands shaking. My head was throbbing although I didn’t want to take an aspirin since I hadn’t been able to eat anything yet. My mind focused solely on the verdict of the parole board. I placed my cell phone on my desk in front of me and peered at it every few minutes. Every once in a while, I’d pick my cell phone up and look at it to see if I’d missed a call. My anxiety rolled around in my stomach. Around 1:00PM, I began absent-mindedly tapping my leg in anticipation of getting the call. My cell phone rang. I seized my phone quickly. It was the representative. She told me that the board had decided to defer parole for 6 months. My initial reaction was thankful relief. “Is six months a normal deferral period?” I asked. “Isn’t it usually a year or two?” “That’s true,” she said. “You have to keep mind that he’s in a transitional facility. They usually start lowering deferral times when someone is coming to the end of their stay. Also keep in mind that the prisons are at capacity.” I thanked the woman for calling and hung up. While I was utterly relieved that Matt would not be released now, I have to admit I was also disappointed that his next parole hearing will be so soon.

I met my boyfriend on the subway while heading home from work. I gave him a big bear hug. I was so relieved that I could just relax with him now. I wouldn’t be the bundle of nerves that I had been that morning. I thoroughly looked forward to returning home with him and relaxing. I needed so badly to be comforted and calm. We returned home, each took a couch and settled in to relax in front of the television. Soon, we left to walk to the convenience store. While we walked, I began asking my boyfriend why he wasn’t talking. I wasn’t trying to nag him, although it could have felt that way to him, I suspect. I just so wanted someone to talk with and hold hands with after this difficult day. Our conversation slowly escalated. My boyfriend felt attacked and nagged. I felt neglected. From there, I believe our minds split off into their own worlds. We returned home. We yelled, I cried. My boyfriend told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I realized this was quickly becoming the worst day of my life.

My treatment for trauma has forced me to finally process and grieve the various traumas that have occurred in my life. This process includes delving into these experiences and feeling them. This could not possibly be easy for my boyfriend to watch. I know that no one wants to live with someone who’s experiencing pain. The anger I had has largely melted into sadness. I feel guilty that I’m often sad in front of my boyfriend. At the same time, I think it’s necessary in order to process these things and move past them. It’s getting better, though. I see and feel improvements on a daily basis. Even so, this process has affected our relationship. We’ve also had to deal with other external negative influences.

Going on this alone, I would probably agree that my boyfriend and I should part ways. My disagreement, however, comes from the fact that I have a strong feeling that my boyfriend and I are just now getting into a position in both our lives where we’ll finally have the ability to tackle the issues we have and work through them. I’m getting further and further in my therapy. We’ve identified exactly what it is we need to work on. I have a very difficult time giving up on us at this juncture. Of course, this wouldn’t be an issue if I didn’t love my boyfriend. I love him incredibly. I know who he really is. I know how incredible of a person he is. I trust him. He trusts me. We’ve been through many difficult times together. We’ve also had many happy times together. I guess my question is – when do you part ways with someone you’re in love with? Someone who’s also in love with you? Someone who you share the same morals, values, sense of humor, religious experiences and so many other areas of life with? When do you decide to throw in the towel on someone you could still see as your husband one day – after time, after working through those few issues?