Starting Over

I’ve experienced many highs and lows, many ups and downs in the past year. I’ve accepted that these highs and lows are all part of the healing process. Now, however, I find myself becoming weary of these fluctuations. I feel myself growing more and more impatient to finally get to a point where I’m at peace with myself and my life. I’ve suggested to my boyfriend in the past that in order to get past the ups and downs within our own relationship, we should try wiping the slate clean and starting over. The more I think of that idea, the more I realize that it won’t work to start over in any part of my life unless I am completely willing to allow myself to do so.

I realize that I am the only person holding myself back from starting over, from beginning a new life. In order to start over, I must forgive myself genuinely and wholly for every mistake I’ve made. I must release myself from the life I was born into. My experiences do not define who I am. I am not dirty simply because someone with a filthy soul forced themselves onto me. Their transgressions do not transfer into me. I am not imbalanced simply because I grew up in an imbalanced environment. I am not unwanted simply because those I loved abandoned me. I do not deserve to be hit simply because someone else felt that I did, in fact, deserve it. I’ve blamed myself for much of what people have done to me. Now is the time to forgive myself. Now is the time to place blame where is it rightly deserved.

My life is waiting for me. I’m tired of wasting time blaming myself for my past, rather than planning a successful future. I’m an adult now and in control of my own life. It is now my responsibility to treat myself with care and to build a healthy environment for myself, regardless of if I had one growing up. It is my responsibility to shut out those unhealthy, abusive influences and to welcome those I can trust.

I refuse to live in self doubt and self pity. After grieving traumas fully, one must make that last step into starting over and building a healthy, complete life. Those who are not able to move on from their grieving may become stuck in the past. They may even feel too sorry for themselves to move on. I’ve known people like this. I refuse to become stuck in the past. Why would I want to mentally dwell in such a dark place? I’ve worked at grieving enough to overcome the past. Now, I feel that I am ready and more than willing to start over.


There is an adage, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” Corny? Perhaps. I do, however, find this saying particularly appropriate for any recovering trauma survivor. Give yourself the permission to start over. Give yourself the ability to let go of the past. You can’t forget it (nor should you dismiss the lessons you’ve learned from it) but you can release yourself from its destructive grasp.