No Regrets

A few weeks after Matt was sentenced, his older brother Ben was to be sentenced. I had decided this time that I had to speak in court. I had chose not to speak at Matt’s sentencing and felt horribly guilty when Matt was sentenced to much less than what I had hoped for. While I was not immodest enough to believe that my contribution to the proceedings could have changed their outcome, I still felt the remorse of having not stood in front of the judge to give every possible argument I could think of for sentencing Matt to the maximum sentence possible. I promised myself that I would speak at Ben’s sentencing. I felt that if there was even the slightest possibility that my statement could have any affect, it must be done. And if my statement made no affect on the judge, then I at least needed to stand in court and tell each and every soul there how special Ericha was and how much worse the world is without her. “Are you sure you want to speak, Emily?” my mother asked me the night before the hearing. “You were in such pain at Matt’s hearing.” “That’s why I need to speak mom – to have no regrets afterwards.”

I sat at the kitchen table the night before the hearing, hunched over the scribbling that I hoped to mold into my impact statement. By this time, I was 13 years old. I wrote a thought down, decided it wasn’t good enough and crossed it out. As the night rolled on, I repeated this step several more times. How could I possibly say all the things I wanted to say in five minutes, I thought. How could I possibly describe all that they did by taking her away from us – and so brutally? I folded my paper around midnight and placed in on the dresser in my bedroom. I laid down to bed – eyes wide open. Each shadow of each twisted tree outside of my window was apparent to me. I felt as though a storm was on the horizon – a storm I couldn’t prepare for or protect myself from.

The next morning I found myself back in the Assistant District Attorney’s office, prior to the hearing. The A.D.A. again went over the impact statement procedures, how much time we had and the order in which things would occur. The victim liaisons escorted us through a back hallway to the courtroom. The aggressive television cameras had become too intrusive for us and had often made it difficult to move down the hallways of the courthouse safely. We reached the courtroom and took our seats. Ben was escorted into the courtroom. The first person to give an impact statement was called before the court. My heart began to pound. I was next. The words of Ericha’s friend (giving the impact statement) became distant. It sounded as though she were in a far-away tunnel. The only thing I could hear clearly was the deafening sound of my pounding heart. I focused on the tip of my shoe. I stared at my shoe and concentrated on breathing in and out. I will not faint, I told myself. This is the one chance I have to speak to the court. I will not faint. This is for Ericha, I thought. I cannot screw it up. Ericha’s friend sat down and placed her hand on my shoulder. I stumbled up out of my seat. I walked to the edge of the court, in front of the prosecutor’s table, facing the judge. I cleared my throat and began to read my statement. The sound of crackling paper filled the courtroom as my hands shook. No, I thought. This has to be better. I put my paper down on the prosecutor’s table and looked up at the judge. I was still shaking, but some how not as afraid.

“Ericha was like a big sister to me.” I began to speak about Ericha’s smile, her warmth, our time together after school. I spoke of her generosity, of the beauty of her soul.
“I’ve always believed that in life, things happen for a reason. When Ericha was taken from us, I struggled to find the reason why. Maybe God was testing my ability to forgive. If that is so, then I have failed God’s test, because I will never forgive Ben Bryant for what he has done.” During my last sentence I had looked down at Ben and yelled the word “never.” I told the judge that Ben was an animal, that he was a threat to the community. I had wanted to do so much more to Ben at that moment, but this statement was all I had – and I cherish the fact that I had that.

Ben was sentenced to life in prison, with his first possibility of parole in 2043.