Summer with my boys

Time passed after the sentencing of Ericha’s killers. I began to focus on getting into the high school I wanted to attend. I wanted to attend a private Catholic high school that my mother and aunts had attended, not because it was Catholic but because it was seen as the premier college-preparatory school in the area. I took my education very seriously – I saw it as my ticket out of my home state. I wanted a much different life than I had at that time. I wanted freedom from my family. I wanted space. I studied feverishly for the entrance exams of this high school. I would soon find that I had indeed been accepted into this high school. I was also awarded a scholarship. I was elated yet anxious. I wanted to be as successful as possible in high school and wasn’t sure yet if I was up to this new challenge. The summer before my freshman year would be my time to prepare, I decided. I received a summer reading assignment list in the mail and went to it.

As that summer began, my sister’s marriage deteriorated rapidly. My sister and her husband split and my sister (as well as my two nephews) moved in with my mother and me. My mother and sister had jobs in the city, which they drove to each day. I did not have my license yet, as I was 14 years old. I was, therefore, confined to our home in our small town. I awoke early each morning to care for my nephews, who at this point were 5 years and 2 years of age. My older nephew had developed emotional problems, possibly from being exposed to the unhealthy marriage of his parents. Both of my nephews had already witnessed bitter fights, sobbing and unstable parents, as well as a lack of adult-like conduct from the adults in their lives. I had already begun to fear that history was repeating itself and my nephews would be hardened by years of fending for themselves in less than appropriate living conditions. I made it my goal to do whatever it was I could to curve that. Because I was the person in their lives that realized the sensitivity of their situation, I felt it was my obligation to be as responsible for them as I could.

My five year old nephew had already begun to act out. It was obvious to me that he had learned his parents’ habits of exhibiting anger. He would routinely break into severe tantrums. I would prevent him from hurting his younger brother, therefore, I would routinely receive the brunt of his blows – whether they were from his tiny, angry fist, his shoe or a rock he had picked up in his rage to throw at my head. Some days were better than others. I became the primary caretaker for my nephews. My sister felt the need to live out her teenage years during this time, perhaps because she hadn’t been able to when she was actually a teen. She routinely went straight to the bars with friends after work and that is where she would often stay well into the evening. When my mother returned home from work each day, she went straight to her room. I felt as though I had become a single parent of two boys overnight. I loved each of them more than anything in the world. They were the only two people in my family that had the right to act like children. I struggled to work with my nephew on his tantrums. I talked to him about anger, the fact that anger was okay to experience and the appropriate ways to vent it. I encouraged him to express his feelings through painting – something he loved to do. We worked on this together little by little. Slowly, he improved.

While working with my older nephew on his tantrums, I also tried to keep my younger nephew (a toddler) entertained. I worked to keep him on a healthy schedule of meals, naps and exercise. My nephews began to improve and although they were still rambunctious, they also seemed slightly happier.

During this summer, I began to experience insomnia. The only time I had for myself was after I got my nephews to bed in the evening. It was during the evening hours that all of my worries regarding my nephews boiled to the surface. I would go to my room, play my music and write about all the things that I worried I would not be able to do for them once the fall arrived and I would have to begin school. In the evening, I worked hard to map out what activities might calm them or what strategy to use to alleviate sibling rivalry. Between the constant hyperactivity of caring for both nephews and my lack of sleep in the evenings, I became more and more exhausted. I felt more and more alone.

One thing I was thankful for during this time was the ability to have control over the care of my nephews. I had already developed detailed theories on how to care for children. My ability to control the daily environment of my nephews allowed me to try to protect them from unhealthy influences – anything from anger, fighting and yelling to violent movies or lack of healthy food. I was able to control their environment and provide stability, affection, learning, warmth – all the things I had so often wished for while growing up. Of course, I could not always protect my nephews from all of the negative happenings of our family, but during these summer days, I was thankful to have the opportunity to provide a safe space for them to flourish in, if only for one summer.

Of course, my nephews deserved so much more. They deserved to live in a healthy, stable, loving environment around the clock, every single day of every single year. But eventually, my sister reconciled with her husband and moved the boys back in to their home. Before long, their bitter fighting had once again replaced the calm lunch hour the boys and I had during the summer. My older nephew’s severe tantrums replaced the expressive painting time that I had set aside for him.

Shortly before my sister and nephews moved out of our home, I began high school. While I was ready to focus on my new school and attempt to make friends, I also felt the guilt of no longer caring for my nephews on a daily basis. I did not have a choice and I certainly would not have been able to still care for them during the day if I wanted to attend high school, yet the guilt was still there. I had lost that daily control I had over their environment. I was still actively involved in my nephews’ lives and saw each of them several times a week as I had in the past, but now – my worries over their childhood experiences grew. I feared they would continue to grow up too quickly, too harshly. I struggled with these fears as I readied myself to begin my high school education.