Conquering Fear

Last weekend, I was lying on the couch watching the movie, “Defending Your Life” (1991). The movie is about a man who dies after being in a car accident and goes to Judgment City, a waiting room for the afterlife. During the day, he must prove in a courtroom-style process that he successfully overcame his fears while living on Earth, in order to move on to a higher existence. This movie made me think about the effects of fear on every day life.

I have recently felt like I am in a deadlock in life. I’ve felt as though I’m in a middle ground – I’m no longer in the unhealthy environment in which I grew up. I no longer wish to escape through an eating disorder or nights of drinking with friends. I wish to move on to the next stage of my life. Something has been preventing me from doing that, however. I’ve therefore felt, lately, as though I’ve been stuck in between stages of my life, unable to fully move onward. I began to wonder how much fear had to do with my impasse. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that fear is the reason why I’ve been stuck.

I’m afraid that I’ll fail at being a good wife and mother. I’m afraid I’ll fail to make those I love proud. I’m afraid that I’m ‘damaged goods.’ I fear that I won’t ever view myself in as positive a light as I deserve. I’m afraid that I’m so unused to being happy that I won’t know how to do it - how to be comfortable in the tranquil and quiet space that is happiness.

How do I overcome this fear? The first idea that comes to mind is to trust myself. At this time, I second-guess myself. I doubt my strength and reason. I think this contributes to my fear. I must remind myself, instead, that I have reason to trust myself. I have shown that I am able to successfully survive a gravely unhealthy environment. I’ve kept myself alive. I’ve endured much and have survived much. I’m not perfect in any way, shape or form – but I have endured my past and have come out of it as a generally caring, decent and good person. I should trust myself because I have proven to myself that I am more than trustworthy.

After thinking further about conquering fear, I decided that in order to conquer the fear that is causing this stalemate in my life; I’ll need to learn how to care about myself. There is the cliché “Learn to love yourself.” While it is somewhat corny, I find it to be true. I also find it to be a very difficult task for me to master. If I could be as affectionate and fond of myself as I am to those I love, I doubt my fear would have such a grip over me. If I liked myself more, I wouldn’t fear making mistakes. I would think, “I’ve made mistakes in my life. I’ll make more of them before I die. That’s because I’m a person. It’s okay. I’ll succeed as well. Whether I succeed or fail, I’ll still be a good person and I’ll still be worthy. I accept all of me, the good and the bad.”